Sunday, May 18, 2008

Gay for Schlafly

A lot has been said about Phyllis Schlafly lately. How her message devalues women, that she's an anti-intellectual. That she's a big fat Jesus-train ridin' homophobe and immigrant hater. That the stick up her butt has an inscription on it reading "Voting sucks! Have more babies instead."

But there's one thing we haven't talked about yet. How smokin' hot she is.

I don't have anything original to contribute to the Phyllis Schlafly debate. And to be honest, I don't want to contribute to it. I'm a lover, not a fighter, see. So I want to take this opportunity to ask the only question that matters.

Phyllis, will you be my girlfriend?

Over the past few weeks, I have fallen in love with you. Your jowly, grandmotherly sexiness is ruining my life, woman, as is the way you work those wide-collared pantsuits. Goddamn. And that little hairdo! While I worry that it is cutting off circulation to your brain, I think it suits you awfully well and hope that you never change it. Don't ever let anyone tell you you aren't beautiful. Cuz you ARE.


I want to be lesbians with you. I want you to leave your husband (if he's still kicking) and move in with me. I realize you are about 60 years older than me, but it's ok. I dig older chicks.

Don't worry. We can take this thing slow. Maybe start over email, get to know each other a little. Then maybe chat on Yahoo messenger or something, before moving on to some phone time. I promise not to talk dirty. You probably hate that kind of thing, what with the whole grassroots conservatism thing and all. I totally get that. I'm prepared to be as discreet as you need to be in order for this love to work, because I figure if I can score a classy dame like yourself, that will be its own reward.

Once we are together, I will work hard to treat you like the lady you are. I will open doors for you, I will send flowers, and if you're not still driving, I will even take you to the beauty parlor.

No one has to know. Except the readers of this blog, of course, but don't ask me to take it down though--I need some kind of outlet where I give props to the righteous-assed magic that happens when two women knock-a the boots. Because I believe in magic. The only question is, do you?

Phyllis, darling, all I need is a sign. A sign that you're down for it. I will be so good to you. I will love you so hard you'll be saying "Equal Rights Amendme-whah?"

I think Peaches said it best.

Are you a left?
Or are you right?
Or are you switching
Just for tonight?
I don't even know all the codes
But baby you better find out
before you go.

Damn, girl. Damn. Did you ever look hot in that commencement robe.

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